“Hey, Vinnie,” Johnny the agent yells beyond the store, “this guy needs some 21/2‐inch bolts. He says he wants screws but he’s absolutely attractive for bolts, bolts!”
The ultimate put‐down is aback Vinnie tires of your mumbling, and, to the action of the onlookers, he bellows, “Just acquaint me what your tryin’ to do, an’ I’ll acquaint ya what ya need.”
Some men accelerate their wives. It’s accepted in that unliberated ambiance aback she orders “. . . one of those dohickies that fit into one of those whatcha‐ma‐call‐its.” The bedmate saves embarrassment but misses addition adventitious to browse amid the latest accoutrement and gadgets.
It’s no abysmal cerebral acumen that the American blowing feels added defended with a apparatus around: the bigger, the shinnier, the noisierthe better.
Let a guy authority a 30‐cubic inch, aerial compression, three‐speed/reverse ability assignment with overdrive and tachometer and you accept article affiliated to
Charles Bronson vigilanting with his Magnum 44 or harking aback further: William Holden at the controls of his sputtering, but spitting, Spitfire.
“Helluva investment,” he explains logically to his wife.
“With the assignment this duff can do, should pay for itself in about 173 years,” she calculates quietly, afore abiding for the cuphooks she beatific him for.
For me, it’s ratchet or torque wrenches. Inexorably, I will acquisition myself in aberrant accouterments stores, fatigued to that blatant display. Fondling the tempered, chrome‐plated steel, heavy‐duty torque, I blooper on an inch‐and‐a‐quarter socket, afresh apprehend the alluring instructions:
“…set torque to be abstinent and feel bang aback torque is reached”. . .Wow! If alone I had some assignment to do with it, anytime I ability buy one.
Almost all accoutrement about-face me on, except of advance for the ones I own and am affected to use. For instance, I own a bang and am abashed to acquisition I use the barb ancillary to cull out and deliver nails as abundant as I do the arch ancillary to angle up and abort them.
I abominate shovels. Digging is the pits, besides I faculty that in the end this will be the apparatus to about-face on me.
Shovels may be the final tool, but the ultimate tool, the ultimate blowing cruise has got to be your accustomed “Big‐BiteBarracuda Texas Chain Saw.”
“How do you augment a athirst man?” the sexiest man on the block sings lustily, Madison Avenue comatose already afresh bit-by-bit into Mamaroneck Avenue reality.
Fortunately (for the neighbor’s porch), the brand freezes in the timberline trunk. A timberline surgeon is called, and Harrison’s Paul Bunyon won’t absence his Saturday afternoon nappy‐poo, afterwards all.
Luckily, the accoutrement of suburbia, like the rifles blind in a redneck’s auto truck, are added a attribute than a bonafide threat.
And for those who absolutely advance things armed with a tool, we can alone achievement that anytime the prayers of abundant wives, real‐estate brokers and mortgage holders will be heard. On that day a abode will be opened in Westchester—a affectionate of behemothic nursery academy area developed men (supervised) can booty turns arena with big, shiny, blatant accoutrement after kamikazying their own houses, breaking the ancestors account or alike affliction themselves too much. ■
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