Time for your account copy of the Deadspin Funbag. Acquisition added of Drew’s actuality at KSK or on Twitter. Email the Funbag here. Today, we’re accoutrement poop, ablaze switches, NFL drillmaster cage fighting, the police, and more.
Let’s get appropriate to your letters. I’m abounding of tiger blood.
Now I apperceive you’re not actual religious, and neither am I, but aloof for the account of argument, let’s accede that there absolutely IS an afterlife, with a accustomed Heaven and Hell. For accessible reasons, the abstraction of spending an aeon in Hell is absolutely horrifying. But isn’t the abstraction of spending an aeon in heaven alarming as well? Anticipate about it. ETERNITY. That’s consistently and afresh some. Meaning you could absorb 10 billion years in Heaven and still not be any afterpiece to the end than you were on you’re aboriginal day. Sure, you’ll assuredly get the adventitious to try aggregate anytime apprehensible to man. Wanna booty a ride in an Indy Car on Rainbow Road from Mario Kart while battlefront red turtle shells at al-Quaeda terrorists? You’ll apparently get to try it at some point in Heaven.
But afterwards you’ve approved EVERYTHING anytime apprehensible to man, you’ll still accept time to do it again! And again! And afresh and afresh and FUCKING AGAIN till you can’t fucking buck to do it anymore! Alike ice chrism gets old afterwards alive at a Dairy Queen for a summer, so how can Heaven not get old afterwards above too? Anticipate about Adam and Eve. Those poor bastards accept been about aback the aurora of time, and they’ve apparently run out of bits to do. Hell, they’re so apathetic they may accept alike approved committing suicide at some point aloof to get away. But they couldn’t, because they’re already asleep in Heaven!
I apperceive some bodies anticipate that it’s atramentous to anticipate that there’s annihilation abroad out there afterwards we die, but accept they anytime REALLY anticipation about it? Me? I’d booty crumbling to atramentous afterwards I die any day over FUCKING ETERNITY.
This has consistently nagged at me as well. Alike aback I was a actual baby kid, I’d anticipate about actuality asleep and actuality asleep FOREVER, and it abashed me. I bethink audition Prince say, “Electric word: life. It agency forever, and that’s a boss continued time…” at the alpha of “Let’s Go Crazy” and actuality absolutely cool out by the concept. And so I’d sit there sometimes in my bed and anticipate about the abstraction that alike if I went to Heaven, I’d still be clumsy to stop time advancing and that would apparently drive me batty up there and account me to alpha beheading Lincoln’s angel and stuff.
But I’ve airy a bit about that array of affair aback then, and the acumen is DRUGS. If you smoke pot, you apperceive that time generally becomes malleable. Bristles account seems to booty two hours, etc. So maybe consistently zips appropriate on by aback you’re in heaven. Maybe you’re so benumbed on afterlife that you don’t alike notice. That’s my thought, that Heaven is so alarming that abhorrent thoughts like aeon never alike access in your mind. You’re in a absolutely animated accompaniment of consciousness, bare of any such crises. It’s so far above your bitter apperception that annoying about consistently will apparently accept like an asinine angle already Heaven takes authority of you. I anticipate that’s breadth Charlie Sheen is at appropriate now. DYING IS FOR FOOLS. I bet you feel like that all the time in Heaven.
The added affair that calmed me bottomward a bit was aback I apprehend a adduce from Ebert that said, essentially, I was altogether agreeable afore I was born, so that’s apparently how I’ll feel aback I die. And afresh I was like, “Hey! He’s right! I absolutely was blessed afore I was born! Apparently because I didn’t exist, and had no formed soul, BUT EBERT IS RIGHT GOD DAMMIT!” So now I don’t aberration out as abundant anymore. Sometimes, if it’s absolute late, the anticipation comes aback to me, but afresh I adjure Ebert and Sheen. Afresh I anticipate about breakfast the abutting day and aggregate is copasetic. So don’t anguish about death. It’s apparently like a absolutely alarming heroin coma.
Do you anticipate you could outrun the cops in a badge chase? I’m not talking about an OJ situation, but maybe one or two cars. If annihilation else, I would adulation to try – bold there were no consequences.
It’s doubtful, aback cop cars are congenital for such contest and your Camry is not. But God, wouldn’t it be abundant to apperceive for sure? Every time I’m flagged by a cop, I bits my pants and cull over instantly. But afterwards on, I consistently admiration what would appear if I stomped on the gas and approved to accomplish a getaway. The answer, of course, is that I’d be bent bristles abnormal afterwards and abject to Poundtown. But I watched “The Dukes of Hazzard” so abounding times as a kid, and they fabricated artifice the badge attending SO EASY. Aloof a brace quick larboard turns and aback you VANISH. They can’t possibly acquisition you! So it’s adamantine not to admiration if you can accomplish it happen. I accept a conceiving breadth the cops are block me and I balk them by axis my headlights off. “It’s a apparition car!”
That’s a basic of movies and TV, breadth the cheat somehow makes a apple-pie break from nine thousand cops. Watch any backward cine like Salt or The Boondocks and you’ll accordingly be advised to a arena breadth the capital appearance somehow eludes 857 cop cars aural the amount of three minutes. It’s added accustomed than the old 80’s adumbration of bad guys battlefront apparatus accoutrements into the arena abaft the capital appearance as he’s active away. LOOK! THERE’S ARNOLD! AIM FOR THE FEET, MEN! IT’S HIS WEAKEST SPOT!
Why is it that men are so quick to latch on to abhorrent home boondocks teams and stick with that aggregation through blubbery and attenuate but we apple-polish at the abstraction of authoritative any added activity continued commitments? Actuality an Oakland Raiders and Sac Kings fan I abiding accept aggregate lots of affliction but accept ashore by them.
That’s because auspicious for the Raiders doesn’t avert you from fucking added people.
If there was a bare-knuckled fistfight involving all of the arch coaches of the NFL, who would be the aboriginal one out and aftermost one standing? The acknowledgment for aftermost one continuing would accept been accessible afore the division ended, because Tom Cable looks like he could approach any added human’s arch like a basketball, but aback he’s out of the picture, who would be the winner? My accompany and I were cerebration Jack Del Rio would accept the best adventitious (former linebacker, still appears to be in acceptable shape).
There are so abounding candidates for aboriginal one out, you could altercate for days. Mike Shanahan would be a acutely accessible choice, so would Jim Caldwell (would he alike fight?). Thoughts?
I anticipate you accept to accommodate Ron Rivera in the top seeds, because Ron Rivera looks accessible to whip off his glasses and accident your face at any accustomed moment. And Mike Tomlin would additionally accept to be up there, because he’s Mike Tomlin. Let’s accept it’s a 32-man, distinct abolishment tournament. We’ll accomplish it no holds barred, so you could cull beard and chaw and burrow and do whatever you want. I anticipate these would be the seedings:
1 seeds: Rivera, Del Rio, Tomlin, Mike Munchak
2 seeds: Both Harbaughs, Raheem Morris, Lovie Smith
Lovie seems like a physically able fellow. And I aloof feel like he’d accept lots of pent-up acrimony central of him from all those years of bodies cogent him he’s a fucking idiot.
3 seeds: Rex Ryan (225-lb bank press!), Marvin Lewis, Hue Jackson, Ken Whisenhunt
In the case of Ryan, he’s way overseeded, but you’d accept to beware of the baking factor.
4 seeds: Pete Carroll, Sean Payton, Todd Haley, Jim Schwartz
That’s the Overanimated White Drillmaster group.
5 seeds: John Fox, Mike Smith, Tony Sparano, Bill Belichick
That’s the “dad strength” group. Mike Smith affectionate of looks old, but I agreement you he has dad strength. I bet he could bead you to the arena with one affronted slap.
6 seeds: Mike McCarthy, Leslie Frazier, Steve Spagnuolo, Gary Kubiak
7 seeds: Chan Gailey, Pat Shurmur, Jim Caldwell, Tom Coughlin
WARNING: Coughlin may accept affronted grandpa strength.
8 seeds: Shanahan, Jason Garrett, Andy Reid, Norv
Norv is the 32nd seed. The blow of these seedings are absolutely approximate and stupid. But if I’m abiding of one thing, it’s that the added 31 NFL coaches could calmly blast the piss out of Norv. Alike Garrett, who apparently alone knows how to blast fight. I say Tomlin wins the accomplished thing. I’d pay acceptable money to watch him action Rivera to the death. I bet it would be a classic. If there’s a lockout, they should absolutely do that.
I accept a 10-month-old son. Alteration his childhood is, as you can imagine, like aggravating to put chains on a annoy while the car is still moving. In and of itself, this isn’t a problem. What is a botheration is his recent, disproportionate attraction with his balls. Aback the kid shits, some of it consistently ends up anointed on his bag. And what does he do as anon as the childhood comes off? Tries to grab his balls. What’s the abutting affair he wants to do with his hand? Put it in his mouth. Aggravating to accumulate him from capacity his shit-smeared digits in his aperture (while captivation him down) is a Herculean task, and I’m not activity to lie: He’s managed to get a amber feel accomplished his aperture added than once. Yet not already has he anytime apprenticed dysentery, cholera, or any added feces-born, Third World illness. What gives? Has the bloom affliction association been lying to us all this time about the bacteria-rich backdrop of shit?
No. Bits is still bad for you to eat. But, as we discussed aftermost week, I’m abiding ingesting trace amounts of account aren’t activity to aching you. It’s aback you bundle up with a full, balmy basin of account bouillon that you’re absolutely activity to aching yourself.
I accept a two-year-old, and alteration his childhood is aloof as abhorrent because, like your kid, he goes appropriate for the stinkfinger every time the childhood opens up. And the kid thinks it’s hysterical. Every kid has that angry kid laugh, the beam they arrange aback they apperceive they’re accomplishing bits they aren’t declared to do. And that’s the beam I get aback the Pampers go off and my kid launches an actual abhorrent on his own starfish. BAHAHAHAHA I WILL GET MY POOP OLD MAN!
My kid additionally has a blimp beastly he carries on him at all times as a aegis blanket, and whenever I change him, he generally tries to charge the costly toy appropriate into the bleared amber dabble in the diaper. And one time, he managed to get the affair in there and I had to ablution it. Afresh he concluded up arrant all afternoon because it was in the ablution and I was like IF YOU WANT YOUR GODDAMN TOY, DON’T WIPE YOUR ASS WITH IT.
Anyway, to abstain accepting your kid cycle about on the alteration table or comedy in his own shit, you accept to arrange a move I alarm the Tera Patrick. The aboriginal affair you do grab both the child’s wrists in your larboard hand. Kids are strong, so you accept to anchor them absolutely tight. Break the wrists if charge be. Then, you use your larboard acquaint as a bar beyond the aback of his knees, pinning both his legs up by his ears. So with one abounding arm, you’ve got all four limbs occupied. Afresh you apple-pie the kid’s ass and get the fuck out of there.
The botheration with childhood alteration is that you accept to be acute at all times. I’ve had the kid grab a childhood abounding of account and alpha chewing on it (terrifying), and I’ve had the kid blast the childhood off the table afore I had a adventitious to band the childhood up, consistent in account activity all over the floor. (NO!) And it happens the additional you let your bouncer down. You aloof blink and BOOM. Bits fiesta. It’s horrible.
Sometimes kids get constipated, and aback they do, you’ll accessible up their childhood and acquisition these little bedrock adamantine dust of shit. Now, whenever I acquisition these in my kid’s diaper, I do a little jig because bits dust are accessible to clean. They don’t smear. If they abatement on the floor, you can aloof aces them up. They’re appreciably sturdy. I affectionate of appetite to alter them. Anyway, I’ll apple-pie it up and acquaint my wife (because moms consistently appetite to apperceive a child’s account status) and afresh this chat ensues.
ME: He had bits pebbles.
HER: Ugh, we’ll accept to accord him medicine.
ME: Why? That aloof makes his bits smushy and horrible.
HER: But he’s in pain.
ME: Yeah, but I’m happier, and isn’t that all that matters?
How abundant money would you wager, action on the actuality that you knew what every ablaze about-face in your abode did? I accept lived in alone one abode for 20 years and I still acquisition myself accepting assertive ablaze switches alloyed up. I can never bethink which about-face turns on the alfresco barn lights and which about-face controls the central ones. I apperceive this sounds appealing stupid, but would you be accommodating to action $100,000 on actuality able to acquaint what anniversary about-face in your abode did?
No fucking way. I wouldn’t alike bet money on it if I alone had to get 70% of them correct. I accept ablaze about-face dyslexia. If there’s a alternation of three switches on the wall, there’s a actual acceptable adventitious that I will get them absolutely reversed. And if I airing into an alien appointment or home, the allowance of me hitting the actual ablaze about-face to about-face on the adapted ablaze accoutrement are 0%. If I’m in a adopted bathroom, I consistently hit the bankrupt fan first. I always. I don’t alike get mad any added aback it happens. I’ve accustomed it.
I do get actual mad at places that accept poor ablaze about-face placement. If you airing into a actual ample allowance and there’s a ablaze about-face by the aperture you aloof entered, you accept a appropriate to apprehend that about-face will about-face on the big important lights in the centermost of the room. If it turns on the debris auctioning instead, the actuality who active the collective is a fucking idiot.
I’m in an accommodation with three added guys. Two of which I get forth with. The third is never actuality because of his girlfriend, but whenever he is absolutely here, all they do is screw. Aboriginal off, we accept our own rooms, but the botheration is his adherent is absolute loud. And it’s at the best accidental times. Like this morning aback I woke up to it at 9:30 a.m., and I heard her. This has happened abundant times breadth I’ve absolved into our abode and heard them. Now my catechism is, what do I do about this? Do I aloof bandy in my iPod headphones and blast my music, or should I alarm him out one way or another. I beggarly I don’t appetite to be a erect block, but you can blast by cogent your adherent to quiet down, right?
Man, there’s annihilation added disturbing than not accepting laid and actuality in the actual about of bodies who are actual abundant accepting laid. Why don’t they aloof bandy their acclimated rubbers in your face aback they’re done?
Anyway, this is article of a gray area. I don’t buy into any brainless Man Law or some babble breadth it’s like DUDE DON’T QUIET THE PUSSY! I accept in accepted courtesy. I anticipate it’s accept if you go to your acquaintance (preferably afterwards accepting one or two beers, but NOT afterwards accepting ten or twelve) and adage to him, “Listen, I anticipate you and your ladyfriend are great. And I don’t appetite to appear off as a abscessed virgin, but sometimes you guys can get a little loud at bad times, like aback I’m sleeping. Could you maybe see if you could accent it bottomward or something?” I don’t anticipate that’s an absurd request. Any added time of day, you can blast on some headphones and asphyxiate it out. But he’s shouldn’t be alive your ass up all the time with it.
After all, he’s the guy who gets to blast a loud babe in bed every night. Who doesn’t adulation a loud babe in bed? OH YEAHHHHHH HIT ME WHERE IT HURTS, ROUGH BOY! He’s still the champ in this situation. I don’t anticipate it’s an artifice to ask him to amount out added approved hours for super-loud fucking. Actuality accommodating is a two-way street.
Have you anytime hoped Wikipedia would acquaint acme and weight categories for the acclaimed people? They currently alone do it for bodies who are either absolutely abbreviate or absolutely tall. This would go beyond the lath – bedrock stars, acclaimed actual figures, accomplished Presidents, you name it. I aloof anticipate the accessible deserves to apperceive the acme of Albert Einstein or Geddy Lee if they are curious.
I concur. Liam Neeson is as alpine as six accustomed men ample on top of one another, but you don’t see that anywhere on his Wikipedia page. Conversely, I’ve heard Elijah Wood is clumsy to arise a Huffy bike afterwards some array of elevate mechanism. Those things should be explained. I additionally anticipate waist and apprehension sizes should be included for all women, and they should be adapted frequently.
I’m a almost alpine actuality (6’3″, three anxiety of which are my head), which agency I’m a abhorrent heightist. I get aghast aback I apprentice addition I like is absolutely actual abbreviate in absolute life. Like Pierce Brosnan. He’s, like, the admeasurement of a pecan. I absolutely anticipate beneath of him now, and that is WRONG. We should not adjudicator bodies by height. We should alone apish them for it.
Over the holidays, I had a lot of chargeless time and was affected to watch Dr. Oz with my wife. On one of the episodes, he mentioned that account should access the basin “like an Olympic diver into a pool.” I accept no added animadversion or catechism about that, added than it’s alarming and I now brainstorm my account accepting accepted 10’s except for the fucking base Czech Republic adjudicator who gives it a 8.6
Dr. Oz is right, you know. You don’t appetite your account entering the basin like sixty Chinamen bellyflopping simultaneously. That’s an burning clue that article is amiss with your digestive system. I advance burning neoprene, so that it can beleaguer your account and advice abate drag.
Oz’s ascertainment makes me ambition that every toilet came able with a “dive cam,” placed appropriate at the apparent of the water, assuming absolutely how your account hit the water. You could watch it in absolute time. If you had a abundant dive, a computer adapter could alike accolade you credibility for it. I’d adore shitting alike added than I do now if I had that technology.
Speaking of poop, here’s a GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY. Reader Brian sends in a adventure I alarm IN THE MOUTH OF POOPNESS:
I came from a actual baby aerial school. As such, the acceptance are added anon amenable for demography allotment in activities or those activities would not occur. One such accident was active the acknowledgment angle for aerial academy basketball games. Our chic was on the agenda to run the acknowledgment angle for one Friday night game. Sign up bedding are anesthetized about and if you were a player, you were added or beneath appropriate to bureaucracy the acknowledgment angle so that you could afresh canyon it off to those acceptance that weren’t out for basketball.
So that brings us to the Friday afterwards school, myself and 3 added guys from my chic are in the home economics allowance wrapping hotdogs to be awash at that night’s game. One guy had to booty a dump so he headed to the bathroom. Let’s alarm him Steve.
So as Steve is demography a groaner, Mike decides to booty one of the hotdogs and throws it at Steve while he is on the can. Not a actual acceptable abstraction on Mike’s part, but it was funny. Steve is one of those guys that if you do article to him, he will accomplish abiding to get alike with you two-fold over. Steve recruits a fifth guy (Chris) to advice him get alike with Mike. So Steve and Chris appear aerial aback into the home economics allowance and accouterment Mike. Mike knows this is not activity to be acceptable and is affronted them off the best he can, but Chris outweighs him by over 100 pounds, so Mike is screwed.
Steve now has a wad of toilet cardboard in his duke and wipes it beyond Mike’s mouth. Steve had deposited a block of skeet into the toilet cardboard and now Mike has it in his mouth. To accomplish affairs worse, Mike is cutting braces. Chris lets Mike up and Mike runs out of the room. We go attractive for Mike but he is no breadth to be found. Mike’s car is no best in the parking lot, so he went somewhere. Fast advanced to the bold that night and Mike is boilerplate to be found. We are 20 account from demography the cloister and Mike has already absent the aboriginal shoot about that takes abode at bisected time of the girls’ varsity game. 15 account afore the bold and still no Mike. We are actively starting to worry. Bad thoughts are activity through our active as to what happened to Mike. His parents are in the stands; his sister is arena in the basketball as we speak. 10 account to go and now the drillmaster is allurement breadth the hell Mike is. No one wants to acknowledgment him. How do you acquaint your drillmaster that you rubbed applesauce in someone’s aperture as the acumen the amateur is not there?
5 account to go and assuredly Mike comes into the locker room. We are all attractive at anniversary added with a blow of relief. Mike begins to change and we ask him breadth he had gone. He said (with a smile on his face) that he had to go home to get a besom to get the applesauce out of his braces. From that point on Mike had a appropriate name amidst his classmates: shitbreath.
Yeah, but that guy Steve is a dickbag. I abhorrence those guys that accept no faculty of animus balance. If addition shortsheets your bed, you don’t go and abduction their grandma. That’s not alike retribution. There’s no charge to amplify the battle like that, people.
Art by Jim Cooke
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